Like many married people, I have had issues with my in-laws. Part of the problem is family culture and part of the problem is that my father-in-law is a self-centered, selfish, narcissistic jerk. No, really... he is.
When he was in his late 20's or early 30's, this is a man came home from work and literally kicked and hit his dogs. He used to raise dachshunds for show in order to scrape off a little reflected glory from these pets he clearly didn't care that much about or for since he abused them.
He also raised rabbits for eating. I'm not squeamish necessarily about the facts of people eating meat and am very familiar with the necessity in many cases. My family raised a cow for slaughter so I know what it is to raise an animal which will later be eaten. Though when she was killed, I gave up beef forever. We also had chickens and raised a few pigs which went on the chop. However, my father couldn't face killing them. They were sent off to someone who could deal with the reality more than we could. It is hypocrisy to eat meat, but be too squeamish to kill. Not wanting to kill something even though you know you need or want to eat it is an indication that causing the death of an animal doesn't sit well with you.
My father-in-law routinely broke the necks of his bunnies, skinned them, and delivered the carcasses to his wife with still-beating hearts. This didn't bother him. Eventually, it bothered his wife enough to ask him to stop. My family raised animals to eat because we were poor and this was much cheaper. My father-in-law raised rabbits to eat because he liked the taste, not because he was too poor to afford what was in the shops.
When his daughter was 11 or 12 years old and had entered that annoying and argumentative stage, my father-in-law used to slap and smack her body in frustration during the arguments they had. This wasn't discipline. It was anger and an inability to control himself such that he lashed out and hit her. He didn't punch her in the face. He didn't beat her, but he did slap her around because he couldn't contain his emotions.
My father-in-law has humiliated me with callous comments on multiple occasions. The comments were about my body or my poverty. I'm sure he didn't even know that he was acting cruelly because he has no awareness of the feelings of others in the moment. When he's made aware of them after the fact (not by me, but by his family on occasion), he invalidates the feelings of those he's harmed or dismisses them as "misunderstandings."
My mother-in-law wanted a special celebration for her wedding anniversary on many occasions. She wasn't a woman of frivolous desires. She had almost no jewelry, wore simple clothes, and rarely went out or traveled. She spent her days fetching her husband's drinks to quench his thirst, making meals that he didn't compliment, and meeting his needs for physical affection. After years of having her wishes to have a special experience dismissed, she eventually broke one of the glasses used to toast their marriage at their wedding. His response was to hide the other glass so she couldn't break that one, too, and to continue taking her for granted and ignoring her needs.
My in-laws had no pictures of their three children in their home. In fact, they exiled their children to the other half of a duplex when they were ages nine to twelve so they could huddle alone in their home and focus on the person who really needed to be cared for - my father-in-law. There was one picture in their half of the duplex. It was a picture of my father-in-law smiling at his wife as she stood in the kitchen washing dishes - forever the favorite child as the lesser ones were shuffled off to the side.
My mother-in-law used to be artistically inclined. She did paintings that hung around their half of the duplex for some time. One day though, she decided that she was going to travel to their vacation home alone and paint and paint and paint. When she was done, she destroyed everything she'd done without allowing anyone to look upon her work. This part of her was of no use to my father-in-law as it didn't feed him, put him in clean clothes, or fulfill his physical needs. Eventually, all of the parts of her that were no use were gone, and there was nothing left. She developed dementia and disappeared entirely piece by piece until she passed away. When she was deteriorating, my father-in-law searched desperately for anything to engage her to keep her mentally alive, but nothing was left of her personality by that time to use as a deeper well to draw from in which to nourish her continued existence.
When he was 76, my father-in-law got a dog. He knows he is unlikely to live longer than the dog, but he bought a pedigreed puppy anyway. Even though no one in his family can take the dog when he dies, he doesn't care. He also slapped the dog on the nose multiple times when she frustrated him and yelled at her repeatedly because these actions gratified his emotional needs in the moment. He refuses to properly train the dog because it's too much effort, though he does walk her a lot so he can get attention from other people through her.
There is a story that I was told about my father-in-law by my sister-in-law which does a good job of summing up his approach to life and to others. He has three children, two sons and a daughter, and when they were growing up his wife would buy Pepperidge Farms frozen turnovers because he liked them. The turnovers came with four in each box, but he wanted to have two each time. So, each time his wife made the turnovers, he would eat two for himself and the children wouldn't be given any. He wouldn't buy two boxes, nor would he eat just one so his kids could share. He just took what he wanted and everyone else had to do without.
But, my sister-in-law has repeatedly told me when I've been the target of my father-in-law's bad behavior that, "He's not a bad man." No, he didn't kill people or steal their money or beat his kids and wife. He has been, however, so perniciously selfish and self-involved that his wife slowly disappeared and had no personality or will of her own. He is so narcissistic that he thinks other people exist mainly to serve his needs and, when they don't, he has no use for them. He can come across as having charm, and can spend time with people by having small talk with them, so it is only those who are in the immediate orbit around this person who believes he is the sun that know the truth.
To outsiders who he doesn't act out on his selfishness with, he seems a perfectly fine person. Everyone he has touched has lost something of themselves as he's demanded they bend to his needs. Those who have not bent themselves, have been placed in exile. I am exiled, and I am grateful, because he is a bad man.
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